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Thread: Post Your Jokes Here

  1. #451
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    A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on Earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him: “Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?”

    St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.”

    “What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!”

    “Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St Peter.

    Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her. After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the Earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates. Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.

    “Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much…tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”

    Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head…so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”

    The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too…but, well, I guess life goes on right?”

    “Right!,” he said. “So, tell me… how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I’d get here. Is it easy to get in?”

    Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”

    “Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?

    “Czechoslovakia”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  2. #452
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    A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.

    ”She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on — this time on the right feet.

    He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.

    ”She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

    He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

    She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your gloves?”

    He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  3. #453
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    I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

    The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

    That deer exploded. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite?

    They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  4. #454
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    During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
    A lady stood up and came forward.

    She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.’

    You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

    She continued, ‘Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’


    Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

    She continued, ‘Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’ All the men sighed with relief.

    The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, “I’m Jim.” The entire congregation held its breath.

    “I just want to tell my beautiful wife, the word is sternum (chest).”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  5. #455
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    farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked.

    The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

    Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

    "And then?"

    "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

    "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.

    "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  6. #456
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    A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

    “How much money do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

    The CEO said,”Wait right here.”

    He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

    “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

    From across the room a voice said,

    “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  7. #457
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    A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

    The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

    "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

    The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

    The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  8. #458
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    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

    Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  9. #459
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    A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

    The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

    The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

    After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

    The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

    The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

    The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything."
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  10. #460
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    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

    One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

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