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Thread: Post Your Jokes Here

  1. #441
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    A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

    “You jerk!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

    “You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” the judge continued.

    “Jerrrkkk!” bellows the same man.

    “Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

    “I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  2. #442
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    I never told this story before, but I remembered it today and it made me laugh. The greatest customer ever: I used to work as a bagger at a small, family owned grocery store while I was in high school.

    One day a cheerful old woman came through the checkout with a cart full of groceries.

    Me: " paper or plastic?"
    Customer: " I'd like double bagged paper and I'd like you to make each bag as heavy as you can."
    Me: "sure thing!"

    A bit of a strange request, sure, but anything that broke up the monotony of the day was welcomed.
    I started packing her bags with twice as many items as usual.

    The customer interrupted me to say: "You can surely fit more than that, right? make 'em real heavy for me honey " I raised an eyebrow but carried on, making the bags even heavier and more loaded than before.

    She then asked me to take the groceries to her car, which is something we used to do at our store. I managed to load her entire cart into three faily heavy bags and bring them out to the car. Even I struggled to lift just one of those things.

    Then the woman turns to me and says: " in case you're wondering - I just had a fight with my husband and it's my turn to pick the groceries."

    Me: "oh."
    Customer: It's also his turn to unload the car"

    Then she winked at me, got in her car, and grove away.

    I'll never forget you old lady. You taught me an important lesson: never mess with the elderly.
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  3. #443
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    An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

    Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

    Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

    The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

    Sally said, “No”.

    Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

    Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
    The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
    One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

    Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

    The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  4. #444
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    A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

    “Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

    “Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

    “What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  5. #445
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    An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

    He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

    She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

    I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  6. #446
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    John was told that a Twin-Engine Plane would be Waiting at the Airport.

    Arriving at the Airport he spotted a Plane warming up outside the hanger.

    He jumped in, said ‘Lets go’.

    The Pilot taxied and took off.

    Once in the air John told the Pilot: ‘Fly Low over the Valley so I can take Pictures of the Fire on the hill’

    Pilot : Why.?

    John : Bcoz I’m the Photographer for CNN. I need to get some close up shots.

    Pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered ‘So, what You’re telling me is . . . You’re Not My Flying Instructor’?





    Life is Short. .Always ASK, NEVER ASSUME.!
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  7. #447
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    Why would you need blue silk pajamas for fishing? What could possibly be the connection? And yet, in this story, the husband convinces his wife that he needs to have the pajamas when he goes out fishing.

    A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

    The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your fishing box."
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  8. #448
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    Feb 2015
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    Dear Mrs. Samples:

    Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

    Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Samples have been compiled and are listed below.

    Mr. Wally Brown
    President and CEO
    WalMart Complaint Department

    MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has
    done while his wife was shopping:

    1. November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

    2. November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” ….. and watched what happened.

    5. January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

    6. January 23, 2006: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

    9. March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

    10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

    12. April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

    13. May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”

    14. May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! Sheila! It’s those voices again!!!!”

    And last, but not least, just today….

    15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  9. #449
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    Feb 2015
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    A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper. The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

    The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

    Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

    The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

  10. #450
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    Feb 2015
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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.? Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.? "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.?

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

    The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
    Rick Grew
    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club

    www.wrycc.com

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